Living Alone

You know, there is something to be said for living with a family. They might drive you nuts, and you might not always have all the freedom that you would like, but they are still there for you. You don't get lonely because home has the people that you love most in it. And even if they aren't home, chances are someone is in the same time zone so that you can call them without waking them up and spending a lot money doing it.

Sometimes I don't think I'm ready for life outside of the nest just yet. I still think of myself as a kid. When people refer to me as a woman, I feel this urge to correct them. I'm just a teenager. The fact that I'm here is a fluke, I really belong at home with my parents still. It is something that I think a lot of people realize when they find out my age, and which is why so many people are interested in me and hearing my story - why I wound up living alone in China instead somewhere safer. Not so much that I belong at home, but somewhere like a college surrounded by people my age and a staff of teachers and faculty whose job is to help me grow up and make sure I'm happy and safe.

Living alone has not made me feel like I am an adult. I know the people I spend my time with think of themselves as adults, probably because they are between 5 and 15 years older than me. I get along with them just fine, but I think I am the only one who thinks about my family every single day. What living alone has taught me is not how to be an adult, but that I'm still just a kid and that more than anything, I miss living with my family. The freedom and novelty of the situation was enthralling at first. I took pride in everything I did on my own. I ran errands and kept a fully stocked fridge, cooked for myself, cleaned, did laundry. I chose when to study, when to sleep, and when to party. I even decorated a little bit. But when push comes to shove and I'm sitting alone in my apartment at night, debating whether or not to go out or stay in, I realize that my only inclination to go out comes from not wanting to be alone. Having a family around changes the game entirely. Even if I spend the night watching TV or alone in my room, there are people around me whose presence I can feel and not be lonely. And when the going gets rough, for any reason, there are people right there who I love and respect more than anyone else that I can go to for advice. I can't count the number of times I have wound up on the floor of my mother's office stressed to the point of tears. Even if my family isn't home, they are in the same time zone and merely a phone call away. I'd like to say the same is true here, that my family is only a phone call away, but it's not. I don't feel justified calling them at 3:00 AM unless something is really wrong, and sometimes nothing is wrong, I just want to say hello. Maybe part of it comes from the fact that I'm not surrounded by my best friends here. My friends here are great in many ways and I enjoy spending time with them, but in all likelihood I won't even see them again after I take off from Beijing. They aren't the people that I love and while they take away the surface sting of loneliness, the deeper problem remains.

So follows the question: why am I here?
Answer: Loneliness may bite, but the amazing moments are amazing. So even when the going gets rough, I have complete faith that the sun will come out tomorrow (as I used to sing nonstop as a 4 year old). I've never once had the sinking feeling that the unhappiness is here to stay, only that it is here now and I'll have to ride it out until the morning. I think China is just too amazing to go long in a bad mood. There is nothing quite like traveling through a country with as much culture and history and difference from your own country to give you a little perspective on life. The little things that get you down aren't nearly as great as the big things that bring you up. And it opens your eyes to all the millions of possibilities of ways that you can spend your life, so that even if just one of those things doesn't work out, it is hardly the end of the world. I think that is what I like most about traveling - there is such a bigger world out there than one would realize in their hometown. Even well educated, you can't begin to imagine all the different things that you can do with your life until you get out there and see them for yourself. That is one of the most uplifting realizations that I have come across in my travels and makes the nights here and there of loneliness a small price to pay for the eye opening experiences.